Chloetraisnel's Journals

Placebo

You all remember your first favourite band. They entered your life at the time you knew your first love, your first break-up, your first experiences of the adult world. For the rest of your existence, they are your musical madeleine of Proust, the soundtrack of your years in high school or university, and no matter how old you are, every time you listen to them, you feel like a teenager again.

When this band is Placebo, it reminds you of all those days feeling terribly alone and different at school, all those nights wondering, « Does he love me? Do I love him? What do I do? ». Not all the fans of Placebo feel like that of course, but what I am trying to say is that this band has always had the fantastic potential to be a first favourite band.

In their early days, they were called Ashtray Heart, and this alone says a lot about what kind of band they wanted to become. In 1994, Brian Molko (singer, guitarist, founding member, sexual icon, and so many other things) was an androgynous and arrogant night bird, living in London, speaking with an American accent, a religiously educated and provocative libertine. That year he met Stefan Olsdal, a Swedish giant, a discreet, homosexual, ABBA listener, and they instantly hit it off. They were so different, but they knew they belonged to the same species of underdogs, and they naturally decided to form a band. Robert Schultzberg, their first drummer, quickly became an object of tension in the band, and he left in 1996, immediately replaced by Steve Hewitt. Then began long years of irregular success.

Their first albums were a clever combination of Molko's musical references: Sonic Youth, the Pixies, Nirvana, but also the Smiths or David Bowie. Sonically, they quickly found what would become the typical sound of Placebo: anxious guitars, tragic melodies, and of course the disturbingly sexy and heart-rending voice of Brian Molko. And the lyrics fitted perfectly. They were basically writing about everything you can suffer from: love, teenage, difference, drug addiction, loneliness, self-harm, depression, suicide. This redundant theme made them become an easy subject of mockery from the media, they were the depressive band, the one you listen to when you are a sixteen-year old fag on the verge of suicide. The kind of clichés you hear about emo nowadays.

But all around the world, millions of teenagers could find comfort and understanding into Molko's lyrics. The « this band knows how I feel » effect. Ridiculously ignored in the UK and (most of all) in the US, they went huge in continental Europe, Asia, and South America. Brian Molko, who went to school in Luxembourg, was fluent in French, and it helped making them one of the best-selling bands in France.

Progressively, as they grew older, they tried new things, including elements of electro, hip-hop, or even disco into their music, while their lyrics were a bit more optimistic, almost serene. The typical fanbase did not really appreciate it, too commercial, too superficial, too clean. Meds, released in 2006, was a fiasco. They were going through an identity crisis, and the only solution they seemed to find was to change the line-up. Steve Hewitt left, and the band went silent for what seemed like an eternity.

But for a suicidal band, Placebo never seems to really want to die. They hired a new drummer, Steve Forrest, and on June 8 of this year was released their sixth album, Battle For The Sun, a heavier-sounding record, showing an obvious return to their roots. Let's hope it will be good enough to make them the first favourite band of many other kids. Honestly, for a sixteen-year old fag on the verge of suicide, I did not turn out too badly, did I? :)

Nancy Boy

Pure Morning

The Bitter End

http://www.myspace.com/placebo

Narcissus

Just found that little notebook where I used to write pretty much anything I had in mind, when I was "down" last summer. I like what I read, even if I don't understand everything I wrote. Some lines I find interesting:

Narcissus is a fragile boy,
Punched easily by the knights of guilt,
Drowning in the cold waves of shame.
A cycle of murders and births.
Narcissus is a spoilt child.
He thinks he's alive when his legs are cut.
He tries to speak to the deaf world,
To fill the night with words he knows.
His only fears are silence and echos.

More to come if it's worth it.

Because sometimes it burns my mouth.

Yes, Iâ�™m doing it again. Iâ�™ve learned in psychiatry that somebody keeps repeating something only if he takes some advantage of it. So I guess it helps me, in a way. And if you donâ�™t like what you read, go complain to Mimi (Whoâ�™s responsible? She fucking is! Haha). For those who donâ�™t know: these are things Iâ�™d like to say to ten different people (friends, family, internet acquaintances, celebs, Harry Potter if I want toâ�¦) but canâ�™t (because of a shyness that is criminally vulgar, haha again, okay thatâ�˜s not funny)

1. You were so sweet, really. A charming, funny, lovely guy. Thank God you were there when I needed it. Iâ�™m sorry I cheated mentally on you (with number 7., to be totally honest). And Iâ�™m sorry if I disappointed you at the end of the night. But you know, Iâ�™m not one of Â« these Â» girls. You just donâ�™t know I spent the rest of the night feeling your teeth on my lips again. You must hate me now. But damn, youâ�™re 37, did you really think this could have led somewhere?! Thanks anyway, for every second.

2. Oh fuck yes. After 7 years, I finally forgot you. And you know what? You begin to lose your hair.

3. Why have you gone? Why? I both love and hate you because of that. Youâ�™re a model, but I donâ�™t want to end like you. Whatâ�™s the point of being so immensely clever if youâ�™re socially stupid? You never knew your fucking luck. Now all you create is tears and bitter words. Youâ�™re in the easiest place, in a way.

4. Congrats! You are one of the rare persons I ever truly hated! I hate the fact you smile to me and then say Iâ�™m a good-for-nothing to other people. I vomit your hypocrisy, I loathe your arrogance. Youâ�™re not half as good as other doctors, and not half as good as your father. A psychoanalysis would do you no wrong, you know. Oh and, ALL the other externs hate you as well.

5. You donâ�™t know that but you probably changed my life. To see you this sick, this afraid, made me want to do anything to help you. Now I know itâ�™s what I want to do with my life. You are a fantastic man, with or without your disease. People who judge you make me so angry. Youâ�™ll find love, I promise. And isnâ�™t it so weird that we love the exact same things?

6. Oh God, you just have no idea how much I want you. Physically, and mentally. When I saw you arriving, I almost fainted, was it the song, was it the fact I thought you wouldnâ�˜t come? No, that was just you. I guess you noticed how I was looking at you all the time. I wish I had more guts to speak to you. I felt awful for kissing that guy while thinking constantly about you, I just wanted to make you jealous. Looks like it didnâ�™t work. You drive me insane. And come on, that girl you stayed with was so ugly and drunk. Iâ�™d do anything just for a few minutes in her place. Why are you so amazing? I had the bad idea to read every single word that you once said, and now youâ�™re haunting me. Do me a favour next time: drink more, be single, and speak to meee!

7. You, the girl with the fringe, the photographer, you the girl who have your head on his shoulder, why donâ�™t you just FUCK OFF! (yes I sang it especially for you)

8. I am so proud of you. Proud that we are related, proud of the life you lead, proud to share with you this originality the rest of the family seems to miss. Iâ�™m sorry I donâ�™t know you more, but Iâ�™m sure we have a lot in common. Have an amazing year. (and have loads of babies so I can be a Godmother once in my life!)

9. I have to thank you so much! You made me know a whole new range of culture that I had no idea of. Now Iâ�™ve got new interests and new tastes, a new dream in my life. I like the fact that a guy like you can be happy, you have a bloody amazing job, you live in a great place and your girlfriend is just fantastic! And thanks for being so friendly!

10. Each day may make us a little more different, but youâ�™re still the one I know I can tell everything. You donâ�™t realise how beautiful, smart and interesting you are. You deserve more. I live in the fear that time and distance will tear us apart. If I had a sister Iâ�™m sure sheâ�™d be just like you. I love you.

Manic.

I need to let some things out.

I'm in this psychiatry unit, and it begins to affect me more than I thought, and probably more than it should. I don't know why, but the stories and the lives of these patients touch me like it never had before. Sometimes I listen to them and I literally want to cry. I dream about them at night. I see their scars and I feel sick.

Mr P. is 23 years old, he's schizophrenic, he's a lovely, funny guy, and he has the cutest smile in the world. And it breaks my heart his whole family rejects him because of his disease.

Ms V. is 17. She looks like the Odalisque of Delacroix. The only difference is that her arms are covered with scars. Fresh ones. We have to keep her in the isolation room, with her hands and feet tied to her bed (because she can even cut herself with a plastic plate). Her mother looks bored by the situation. The girl barely talks to us, and when we leave the room we see on the security video that she cries.

Mr D. is an incredible painter. Amazing, clever, a fucking genius. And I saw him delirious, thinking his room was a microwave oven, calling the doctor "Van Gogh", crying, anguish, trapped in a persecution delirium. I'll never forget his face when he was like that. And his eyes. The face of absolute fear.

I don't know if it's normal to be touched like that. I already had patients with cancer, I treated disabled kids, but it never did such a thing to me.

Maybe I'm tired. When I come back home, I put the TV on, I see all these news with the crisis, the crisis, the crisis again... It's not good for my mind.

But I'll never complain about anything again. I'm fucking lucky.

So Not Original (the lyrics game)

You know the rules by now, eh? (and no Google, okay? it's not funny if you cheat) Clue: if you know my taste in music, that should be easy.

~~1. You suck my blood like a leech. You break the law and you preach.~~

~~2. On a night of weddings he decides to change the setting, and as he feels himself start to sicken, oh too late for Jimmy, adjusts his goggles as the fog begins to thicken.~~

~~3. I was twenty one years when I wrote this song. I'm twenty two now, but I wont be for long.~~

4. I wake up every day to see her back again, screaming my name through the astral plane, and in this catalogue town she takes me down.

~~5. You walk into the room with your pencil in your hand, you see somebody naked and you say, "Who is that man?".~~

~~6. I'm taking a ride with my best friend. I hope he never lets me down again.~~

~~7. Itâ�™s time to wake up, itâ�™s time to change, letâ�™s get it started. I feel like thereâ�™s so much to rearrange.~~

8. A quiet heartbeat, your quiet hearbeats. Race runner you. And sleep, like small stars fly back home.

9. Need someone to nurse me. Reach out for the first person I see.

10. If someone could hold you now, if fate could play a different hand.

~~11. The motorway won't take a horse, the wanderer has found a course to follow.~~

12. We went to the youth club and we looked out of place. I didn't know where to look, so I looked at your face.

~~13. Stuck between the do-or-die, I feel emaciated. Hard to breath, I try and try, I get asphyxiated.~~

~~14. Oh baby here comes the sound! I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine.~~

~~15. You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you, you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you.~~

~~16. Oh, make me over. I'm all I want to be. A walking study in demonology.~~

~~17. It's cold outside, and the paint's peeling off of my walls.~~

18. You spend your time in smokey rooms where haggled old women with cheap perfume say, it never happens for people like us.

~~19. All men have secrets and here is mine, so let it be known.~~

~~20. Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth. You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette.~~

Rock En Seine, August 28-29, 2008.

Itâ�™s been a long time since Morgane and I wanted to go to a festival together. So this year we decided it would be a good idea to go to Rock En Seine, since we would be both on holiday at that time, and Morgane being a student in Paris, we would have a place to stay in the capital.

After months of waiting, we arrived that Thursday in the park of Saint-Cloud (in the close suburbs of Paris), a bit late for the first gigs (traffic jams!) but still very excited to be there. I met Maud, a friend of Morgane, whoâ�™d stay with us for the festival, and we went straight ahead to see The Do, a Franco-Finnish double act, quite famous here and very charming (listen to Â« On My Shoulders Â» or Â« At Last Â», the girlâ�™s voice is just delightful). We were far away from the stage and it was almost raining, but we were still the three happiest girls in the world.

When The Do left the stage, we looked for the two strategic places in every festival: the beer stands, and the portaloo (and honoring the traditions, they were respectively: SO expensive, and SO dirty). We also had the time to observe the festival goers. Indie kids mostly, girls wearing skinny jeans, colored Wayfarer and heavy bangs, boys wearingâ�¦ exactly the same, all so young, all so beautifulâ�¦ It was a bit sad though to see that most of them looked unbelievably bored, unaware of their luck. Their luck to have two months of summer holiday, their luck to see great bands, their luck to have parents who give them 75â‚¬ to go to a festival, on their own, when theyâ�™re barely 15 year oldâ�¦

But Carl BarÃ¢t and his friends arrived and we forgot our sociology study very quickly. The Dirty Pretty Things were great, although I donâ�™t know many of their songs (Iâ�™m a Dohertyâ�™s girl, shame on me) and we were too thrilled to see the Kaiser Chiefs, who would play soon at the other end of the site, so we ran to be sure to have good places.

And then I spent the best hour of these two days. The Kaiser Chiefs were AMAZING! Ricky Wilson is such a good entertainer! Constantly talking to the audience, sometimes in French (oh God, his accent, we melted XD), running along the stage, climbing the pillars (Iâ�™ve never seen the security guys so stressed)â�¦ And of course, their songs are brilliant live. Each one has such an anthem power, you just canâ�™t resist to sing along, to dance, to act like an idiot. Their cheerfulness is contagious. AND NICK HODGSON IS HOT! (come on, you knew I had to place that somewhere)

It ended too soon, but we werenâ�™t sad because next on the list was REM! The audience was older now, which we didnâ�™t complain of. Iâ�™m not a huge fan of them, but I really wanted to see this talented and legendary band. Their set wasâ�¦ how to say that? Military. You know, when the confidence overcomes the spontaneity. Everything was so scheduled and perfect. Still a great concert, but it missed this little spark that fires everything. Or maybe Iâ�™m not a big fan enough. Michael Stipe knows his work though. Like he knows perfectly that sentences like Â« We hate our government Â» or Â« Itâ�™s very important for us to play in France Â» will inevitably generate huge applause. I had a tiny moment of over-excitement though: during the encore, they played Â« Losing My Religion Â», which is one of my favorite (how original), and Stipe began to come and shake hands with the front rows. And for half a second, while singing Â« that was just a dream Â», he looked at me, I achieved to touch his arm and I just felt ridiculous. I am such an easy groupie.

A few minutes later we were in the last subway train, partly analyzing the day that just ended, partly sleeping. It was too hot and crowded in there, we had to stand all the run long, I hadnâ�™t eaten the whole day, only drunk beer, and I was awake for more than 16 hours, and all those things together made me sick. In the streets, a man heckled us, several times, and began to follow us. We freaked out a bit and kept thinking Â« donâ�™t look back, donâ�™t look back Â». I was relieved when we arrived in the street where we left my car, next to Morganeâ�™s room. Unfortunately, her dorm is closed at night between 11PM and 5AM, so we had to sleep in my car until six in the morning. When we went to her room, we slept untilâ�¦ noon. A quick shower, some bread, coffee, and we were ready again.

First that day we saw Louis XIV, an American rock band, quite nice to hear, even nicer to look at. We also had a look at Scars on Broadway, not my type of music, but they werenâ�™t bad. We laughed hard because the singer looks like a metal version of Pavarotti and also because he sings things like Â« As I piss on your face, while you suck on my cock Â». Hum.

We spent a lot of time lying on the grass, reading newspapers and doing nothing.

After this little break, we saw Brooklyn, an indie band from Paris, quite good, which is rare for a French band. Meanwhile, Maud went to see the Roots (sheâ�™s more into hip-hop things).

We listened to the first two songs of Kate Nash, but her accent was just ridiculous and I wanted good places again for the Raconteurs!

At the stage they were supposed to perform, there were so many people! We were a bit pissed to be so far awayâ�¦ However, the show was absolutely brilliant! At the very beginning, Jack White dedicated a song to Â« Amy Â», we didnâ�™t know how to take that. But God, these guys are the saviors of rock â�˜n roll, Iâ�™m telling you! At the end of their set, everybody thought it was over, but they came back and played three more songs! We knew what it was meaning: Â« she wonâ�™t play tonight Â».

A guy from the organization team came on stage and announced what everybody already knew: Â« We have the regret to tell you that Amy Winehouse wonâ�™t play tonight Â». A few Â« slut! Â» and a lot of Â« boo â�¦Â» came from the crowd.

We spent a few minutes criticizing her, and then the organization (Â« as if they just learned it NOW! Â»), took another beer to find consolation (yeah, right) and went to see Justice. The park became like a giant dancefloor, it was crazy.

At 11PM, we were a bit tired, and ready to take the subway, but we wanted to enjoy every last minute of the festival, so we decided to give a try to Mike Skinner and his band The Streets. Once again I am not a fan of rap at all, even if I loved the song Â« Fit but you know it Â» when it came out. You could see that the audience wasnâ�™t there for him at all, but minutes after minutes, he seduced us, making us laugh and do stupid things. To give you an idea, when he arrived on stage, he had a picture of Amy Winehouse on his shirt, and he said Â« As you can see, I am NOT Amy Winehouse. She is actually smoking crack in London Â» and he began to do a rap version of Â« Rehab Â». Hilarious. Then we had to sit down on the floor during a whole song, or say Â« I love you Â» to somebody in the crowd that we didnâ�™t know. At the end of their set, he asked us to make a path right in the middle, and, shirtless, he ran through the crowd, ending up slamming for several minutes. People didnâ�™t want to let him go, and when he finally came back on stage, everybody applauded him loudly. I hadnâ�™t come for him, but he was certainly one of the best performances of this festival. He saved our night, really.

At that time, we werenâ�™t tired anymore! With Morgane, we spent the hour-long subway run talking about our lives, parents, boyfriends (or absence of boyfriends)â�¦ You know, as two best friends do. I donâ�™t see her really often and this hour was really a great intimate moment for me.

We slept 3 or 4 hours in the car again, and then decided to come back directly to Dunkerque (3 hours away from Paris), because she had to go to a wedding that morning.

I was exhausted, hungry, my hair smelled beer and cigarettes, my feet were aching, but I was very happy, with great songs in my head, and (I hope) great photos in my camera.

Musicians of all kinds needed.

Are you: a guitarist? a bassist? a drummer? (beginners are welcome)

Do you like good music?

Do you want to have lots of fun?

Do you want to help a friend?

Are you able to record yourself at home?

We're giving you the oppurtunity to be a guest member of our band Born A Girl and to record a part of our first song "Your Love Alone".

All details are here: http://www.buzznet.com/groups/manicstreetpreachers/forum/topics/324861/#freplies

This is quite urgent, so please, give us a reply quickly.

Thanks a lot in advance for your help.

Guilty pleasures: music department.

Well, Mimi tagged me (still the almighty power) so here we go. I'll do this in the shape of a top 10 of the "songs I hate to love (and vice-versa)". Links go to YouTube vids. Prepare to throw stones at me. :)

10. Peter Cincotti - Goodbye Philadelphia (aww, he's so cute, no?)

9. Tiziano Ferro - E Raffaella Ã¨ Mia (OMG, the Italians... why do I love them so much? XD)

8. Tazenda - Domo Mia (corny, cheesy, or whateveryouwannacallit, but isn't it just beautiful?)

7. La Pena Baiona (a Basque rugby song, it gives me chills...)

6. Shampoo - Trouble (Manics fans? Power Rangers?! 'nuff said XD)

5. Lene Marlin - You Weren't There (who remember her? I do anyway)

4. BB Brunes - J'Ã©coute Les Cramps (these guys are SO pretentious, they think they're the new Libertines, but I don't care, this song just wins)

3. Beyonce - Crazy In Love (cause it's the kind of song that makes you feel proud of your hips, when you dance in nightclubs. Thin girls can't dance to this, they look like robots XD)

2. Nicky Wire - Break My Heart Slowly (there is something wrong with me, definitely. Oh, and it's not my favourite, but it was the only one with a video, so...)

1. Michel Polnareff - Lettre Ã France (if you knew the meaning of the lyrics... and if you knew how much I can cry when I hear it...)

I'm not tagging anybody. Lucky you. :)

Finding home, losing home.

Okay, I guess I have to write this journal, so I will do it, but I'm a bit scared of how long it will be since so many things happened last weekend. Let's try to write a summary version of it only.

I left on Saturday morning, after waking up late (I just broke the record of the fastest dressing), and after 5 hours of a long and boring trip in a coach full of German people, I arrived at Victoria Station. Cash withdrawal, underground, hotel check in, making up a bit, and then: Camden! On my way I see the Koko and the Purple Turtle, I can't help smiling... And I begin to see the first Camden shops, selling Sex Pistols T-shirts, Doc Martens, goth clothing... Oh oh, I'm gonna love that! :) I spend the whole afternoon in Camden Market. The Stables Market is amazing, with all its vintage clothes and all. Just in front of Camden Lock I spot the Hawley Arms (too bad it has burnt, I could have seen Noel there...). People look so great here: punks, goths, indie kids, emos, grunge guys or girls with pink hair... It really feels like the coolest place in the world. I couldn't resist and bought lots of stuff: fake white Wayfarer (come on, 4 pounds! even cheaper and better-looking than in Croatia!), a red and black scarf, a 'God Save the Queen' T-shirt, a 'Hitcher' T-shirt (it's written "I'm a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya!" on it XD), a 'Pretty Vacant' poster, the NME, a mug, earrings, and I think that's all! :) Oh, and Lea, I've seen T-shirts with Noel's face on it, if you come with me next year we'll buy one okay? :) Still talking about our favourite Camden bitch, I saw a guy who looked exactly like him! Same shoes, same hair, same everything! ("someone's copying me!" just like in the 'Power of the Crimp' episode, haha). Anyway, I love love love Camden. :)

AND THEN, Saturday night!!! Oh My God, just one of the craziest night ever. The Purple Turtle is not a big club, I liked that. I arrived quite early (didn't want to miss anything!), saw Simon, have been the biggest idiot shy girl of the history, saw the girls of Ipso Facto arrive (I want their look), saw lots of people arrive, all better-looking than the others. Guys in glittery shirts and eyeliner, girls in ballgowns and incredibly high shoes... The playlist was amazing!!! The Manics of course (4 times! Comfort Comes, Umbrella, PCP, Stay Beautiful), Placebo (twice! including Nancy Boy, I went mad XD), Suede, Pulp, IAMX, Peaches, Bowie, T Rex, Hole, The Dresden Dolls, Blondie, Kylie (Can't Get You Out Of My Head being the Watering Can Song, my dress were covered with vodka after that haha...), Nancy Sinatra, Queen Adreena, The Cure, and many other good things. That was so much fun singing this songs, like everybody shouting the "Oooh oh oh" of Animal Nitrate, or clapping their hands during The Magic Position. People all around were so nice, guys, girls, everyone was talking to each other, I laughed so hard with some of them. Also I've never been offered so many drinks! (like, 3 beers and 2 vodkas, wtf?! I wish French guys would copy the Brits) Ipso Facto were great, a bit cold maybe (it's not the Wombats XD) but very good and I liked many of their songs. Apparantly, the Last Shadow Puppets and Alex Turner's girlfriend Alexa Chung were there to see them but I didn't notice. Imagine I danced just next to Alex Turner and I don't even know it (OMG!)... After the gig we invaded the stage and I never left it until the end. The music didn't stop getting better and better, people getting more and more exciting. Met many other people again, received and gave phone numbers, discovered the power of being a French med student (it's inevitably followed by either "bonjoooor madmwazel" or "I'm a bit sick, I need someone to nurse me" XD). Well, I could go on like that forever, but really, it was awesome and I can't wait to come back. I nearly broke my ankle out of the club (how embarassing) but then I met a Danish guy who was a bit lost, so I showed him his way to his hotel and I didn't have to come back to my hotel all alone. I ended up bare feet on Hampstead Road at 4AM talking about Innoncent smoothies... :) Completely surreal. A great night.

On Sunday I woke up early, have been chatted up by the receptionist (you're gonna think I'm bragging but it is true!), went to Camden once again to take pictures, and then to Victoria in the afternoon. And... this is when I missed my coach. Oh God, I was sooo angry. The guy at the Eurolines desk almost made fun of me (I could have killed him) and I had to buy another ticket for the morning after. I didn't have a hotel room for the night, were a bit lazy to look for one, so I decided to spend the night outside. You're rock 'n' roll or you're not! :) I went to see the Dark Knight at the Odeon, that was so great, it was funny to see that half the audience was composed of tourists (I met French people there), then ate at McDonalds, had a walk through London, Trafalgar Square, Southbank, Westminster and then Victoria again. I arrived at the coach station at 2AM and spent the night there with other people. We all slept on the ground, trying to turn our suitcases into pillows and to stay warm (it has been raining all day so the night was cold). I finally left at 7AM and after a long long long trip (we waited 2 hours at Dover) I arrived at Lille. I was so tired, so cold, so hungry, but most of all, so happy. :)

A great weekend, really.

Who's in London next Saturday?

Okay who's in London this Saturday (August 2nd), and wants to party, to listen to good music, to have a drink and to meet me?

(Come on, don't let me drink my vodka alone! XD)

I'll be at the Purple Turtle in Camden for the Stay Beautiful party which will include a little gig by Ipso Facto.

So, who's in? You tell me.

*puppie eyes*